Hurts So Good | plaid's Blog

I somehow managed to go from normal to full-blown ED land in the space of a couple days.  Okay, if I'm gonna be honest, hours.  Not sure what about talking to Teacher triggered it, but I was more-or-less fine (eating wise, anyhow) before I walked into that session at 10.  By the time I got home around 2 I was in full-blown restricting mode.

That was Wednesday.  Today is Friday.  I've freaked out over every meal since then, and have struggled to keep said meals down.  Pill time is NOT fun! 

I guess it's a good thing that I take meds twice a day that demand food.  And I guess it's a good thing that I've trained myself to always keep medicine down.  Those two facts are the only reasons I've eaten these past two days.  I do not like that fact.

I like the fact that the ED voice is getting louder even less.

I keep thinking ahead, planning how to handle food-related situations.  What will I do at church on Sunday when faced with the normal nibbles?  I guess if I delay my AM meds I could justify eating something after church.  And I've got that class; it was tough enough the past few weeks WITH food; I'm not sure I am willing to tackle it empty.  But still...

Damn it.  I hate this. 

Damn it.  I love this.

It feels so good to embrace this pattern again.  I have missed the counting and...I don't have the words to say what it is that I like so much.  But something feels so good and it's a homecoming to embrace it.

It sounds insane.  Maybe I am.

But it still feels good.

This Blog Entry's Comment Board
There are no comments on this post yet, be the first to leave one!
Your Comment:

Previous Posts
Boston Bomb... Why???????????, posted April 15th, 2013
Updating my poor, neglected blog, posted March 29th, 2013
Hurts So Good, posted January 25th, 2013
Name-Brain, posted December 17th, 2012, 2 comments
Commercial Complaint, posted December 8th, 2012
Cutting (trigger: self-harm), posted November 13th, 2012
Mom, posted November 10th, 2012, 1 comment
Here I go again, posted October 4th, 2012
I hate September, posted September 10th, 2012
Scared to Sleep, posted August 25th, 2012
Nurse nonsense and ED rubbish, posted August 7th, 2012
Body memories....uggggggh, posted June 11th, 2012, 2 comments
Awkward great-bargian moment, posted June 8th, 2012
Now that's depressing!, posted June 6th, 2012
Awful, posted May 27th, 2012, 1 comment
Mother's Day, posted May 13th, 2012, 2 comments
Not really here..., posted May 5th, 2012, 3 comments
Checking in, posted April 28th, 2012
Stepping away, posted April 5th, 2012, 1 comment
Claiming my vision, posted March 17th, 2012
Pride swallowed, posted March 10th, 2012
Contemplating departure, posted March 1st, 2012, 1 comment
Gonna pay for this..., posted February 15th, 2012
Struggling, posted February 12th, 2012
Argh!, posted February 5th, 2012
I'm doing it again..., posted February 4th, 2012
E-freaking-nough already?, posted January 19th, 2012
What the hell....?, posted December 9th, 2011
What a day, posted December 5th, 2011, 2 comments
Getting nervous, posted December 4th, 2011
Progress...I think?, posted December 1st, 2011
Holy Fury IV, posted November 20th, 2011
???????, posted November 17th, 2011, 2 comments
Odd, posted November 16th, 2011
Piecing pieces, posted November 13th, 2011
This is gonna be fun...., posted October 23rd, 2011, 1 comment
Who Heals the Healer?, posted October 18th, 2011, 1 comment
Being being absent, posted October 15th, 2011
Doctor day, posted October 14th, 2011
Blessing Blisters, posted October 12th, 2011
That was...intense, posted October 9th, 2011
Un-triggering myself, posted October 4th, 2011
How do I balance this???, posted October 3rd, 2011
One of THOSE People, posted September 21st, 2011
Therapy thoughts, posted September 16th, 2011
Art Start, posted September 12th, 2011
How the hell am I supposed to do this???, posted September 11th, 2011, 1 comment
Bad, sad Plaid, posted September 10th, 2011
What am I running from?, posted September 8th, 2011, 3 comments
Ramble, posted September 3rd, 2011
1-50 of 166 Blog Posts   

Here are some friends' blogs...

How to Embed Photos in your Blog Embed Photos How to Embed Videos in your Blog Embed Videos