Hurts So Good | plaid's Blog

I somehow managed to go from normal to full-blown ED land in the space of a couple days.  Okay, if I'm gonna be honest, hours.  Not sure what about talking to Teacher triggered it, but I was more-or-less fine (eating wise, anyhow) before I walked into that session at 10.  By the time I got home around 2 I was in full-blown restricting mode.

That was Wednesday.  Today is Friday.  I've freaked out over every meal since then, and have struggled to keep said meals down.  Pill time is NOT fun! 

I guess it's a good thing that I take meds twice a day that demand food.  And I guess it's a good thing that I've trained myself to always keep medicine down.  Those two facts are the only reasons I've eaten these past two days.  I do not like that fact.

I like the fact that the ED voice is getting louder even less.

I keep thinking ahead, planning how to handle food-related situations.  What will I do at church on Sunday when faced with the normal nibbles?  I guess if I delay my AM meds I could justify eating something after church.  And I've got that class; it was tough enough the past few weeks WITH food; I'm not sure I am willing to tackle it empty.  But still...

Damn it.  I hate this. 

Damn it.  I love this.

It feels so good to embrace this pattern again.  I have missed the counting and...I don't have the words to say what it is that I like so much.  But something feels so good and it's a homecoming to embrace it.

It sounds insane.  Maybe I am.

But it still feels good.

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